2000 in review

They told us it’d be silver trousers and personal jetpacs, but the year 2000 has just been umbrellas, fat blokes sat outside refineries and a bunch of egoists locked for weeks on end in front of cameras until one of them eventually won the last Florida recount. Ink Looks back at a year that, frankly, was rubbish, and shudders in fear at what might happen next...

Things that did happen
1. Ink is still here (Ha)
2. The Weakest Link (The programme, not Everton’s defence)
3. Fuel Protest. My Nan’s still got four hundred loaves stockpiled
4. Rain, Rain and more bloody rain
5. Big Brother. But please go away now...
6. Soap babies born to underage girls. Time for Roy’s caff to put a condom machine in the toilets?
7. Noel and Meg split, while Patsy releases Liam into the wild
8. Huge bollocked Horse on Church St, Clearly not a gelding
9. Someone winning a million on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’
10. The most annoying advert on TV happened - yep you guessed it “Wassuup”

Things that didn't happen
1. Most rail journeys listed in the timetables.
2. BBC Music Live in Liverpool, so no Run DMC
3. The Millennium Dome/bridge/bug, or indeed anything else millennium-related
4. The Queen Mother didn’t die, apparently.

Things that should happen
1. The Millennium bug is really going to strike this time (buy beans now)
2. There really will be a Liverpool band at No1 (and it wont be Mel C)
3. The Lambanana and the horse are going to mate.
4. After the Shadow Cabinet’s admissions of dopetaking, Thatcher fesses up that she was wacked out of her mind on a mix of LSD and Junior Dispirol
for most of her Premiership.
5. Tony Blair calls an election, but very, very quietly, so nobody notices
6. Having worked out every other combination of dating, Robbie Williams and Liam finally tap off with each other.
7. New Radiohead/Pulp albums released the same day, and by a billion to one chance are completely identical
8. Liverpool and Everton finally both win something, but neither score all three darts on the card, so settle for a goldfish rather than a cuddly monkey