Smash Hits

"The Story Of Adam And Stan." One day Adam and Stan Ogden were walking down the road.
"Let's go for a quick one. suggested Adam. "Okay." said Stan. And they popped into The Rovers for a quick one. About two hours later they were thrown out by Annie and. as they were driving home. Stan said. "When I die, you can have anything of mine. My wife, my house, my window-cleaning round -- anything.
"Why. that's generous." said Adam, absolutely stoned. "You can have anything of mine. My make-up, wife, money -
anything."
With this, they crashed into a tree and, sadly. Adam died. Stan was rushed to intensive care where it was found that his liver was damaged. So -- seeing that Adam had said he could have anything -- he had a liver transplant, and lived happily thereafter with Adam's wife. One day, Stan decided to take his new wife to the place where Adam had died. So he picked up his wallet and off they went. As they came to the spot. Adam's ghost appeared and said. "Stan and me liver, me money and me wife!"
Leslie Armett.

Vey good. Now try "Piccolo Virita El Planeta De Lor Simior".

Some of the letters you print are really boring. I mean they just ramble on and on and on for ever without their meaning once becoming apparent to the reader. and they make you really want to drop off in mid-sentence and . . . Hopeless Cal from Darkest Rugby.
P.S. Some letters just go on and on and on and . . .

Has he gone yet?

You are about to be astounded! Wait for it! I used to live around the corner from Marc Whatsisname out of Soft Thingumijigl So there!
Mickey, The Futurama & Clown. Southport.
I am astounded. Honestly my flabber has never been so gasted.
I am a hippie! Please don't send me any sympathy letters or any references for a sanitorium. It's just that I'm sick to death of this incorrigible mis-representation of the social structures of our generation. How the hell are we supposed to appear stable and post-neolithic when all we do is argue about what each of us should look like?
Cheryl. Hastings.

Are you all like this in Hastings?

I am a girl who leads a simple life and I don't ask for much, but could you please answer just a few of my queries?
If we can watch Legs & Co. on TOTP wearing just bras, stockings and suspenders, and if we can watch the new group Zoo wearing skimpy clothes and making erotic moves to the music, then why -- if skimpily-clad ladies appear on the show (like Olivia Newton-Kohn)-- is there a big NO to hunky-bodied men? Not only men watch the programme, and it isn't much fun watching half-nude ladies prancing around and trying to dance. So come on and show men on the videos.
Somebody who loves watching men in videos (especially when they're in gymnasiums).

The following conversation took place recently between my mother and my doctor:
Mrs. Dentten: I see the results of your examination of my daughter have arrived.
Doctor: Yes.
Mrs. D.: And?
Doc: I'm afraid I've some bad news for you. I think you should sit down. I'm afraid your daughter is suffering from a disease called "The Ultravox Syndrome".
Mrs. D.: (pales): Oh, no! Doc: Yes. I'm sorry. I fear she caught it whilst attending the Ultravox concert on the 17th October, but I have a suspicion that afterwards she caught the particularly virulent strain known as (swallows) "Midgeous Ureous".
Mrs. D.: (sobs) Oh, my poor child! I tried to bring her up as well as I could and now this happens!
Doc: I'm sorry. It happens to all the best families. She has. I'm afraid. also contracted "Chrissus Crossiata" which is sadly incurable. There are also traces of "Warren Cantitis" which, although it usually lies dormant. does occasionally reappear in spasms.
Mrs. D.: What can I do to relieve the suffering?
Doc: I suggest that your daughter should be read bad reviews of Ultravox -- as seen in Smash Hits recently -- but this does have the dangerous after-effect of fits of loyalty. Also. don't let her write to Smash Hits.
Mrs. D.: Why?
Doc: If your daughter was to win the £5 Record Token, it's obvious she would buy "Rage In Eden". If she did so, the results would be catastrophic. The symptoms: staring into space. sighing, etc.
Anyway, my sympathies Mrs. Dentten, and remember. . . never mention the words "Vienna", "beautiful eyes" or "red jumper". It causes relapses.
Mrs. D.: Thanks. Doctor. I'll bear it in mind.
Maria Dentten. Kent.

Still. better than having 'Pneumonic Gazzia' any day.

Did you know that if you put your forefinger on the turntable while playing OMD's "Souvenir", it sounds o lot better at a slower speed7 I know it was originally recorded at a slower speed. (before you tell me), so why didn't they leave it like that?
I. Britton, an avid Jam fan, Essex.

Dunno. Same Goes for "Daddy's Home" by Cliff. Sounds much better when the turntable isn't going round at all (heh! heh!).

Recently I bought a ticket to see Altered Images at the Aston University. Birmingham. After paying over £8 in train and taxi fares, and after a long cold wait outside the University, ~ found that you had to have a Students Union Pass to get in or be signed in by a student with a card who was going to the gig. After trying to persuade God knows how many people to sign us in, we felt it just wasn't worth waiting in the freezing cold and paid another £8 to get home. I don't see why loyal fans. such as myself. who have travelled many miles to see them, should

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