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Hasta la vista, mon amigos! El Bazza here. Fresh back from my hols in sun-soaked Bournemouth. Meant to be the Costa Brava, in fact, but -- trust me -- I got a bit lost en route. I've had to nip out to Carnaby Street and buy one of those funny bull-fight posters and a little donkey with a straw hat just to convince everyone in the office that t actually got there. Fooled the lot of them, I reckon.

Two weeks away and so much to catch up on! The moment your back's turned, someone like Julio Inglesias comes sneaking up and gets to Number One. Never heard of him, myself. Rang up the blokes at CBS Records and told them as much and -- guess what --turns out he's chalked up 10 percent of their worldwide sales. 70 million LPs he's flogged in the last four years. Leaves Adam at the starting-post, doesn't it? Here's a tale. Bumped into Julian Cope -- or Kevin Stapleton as he calls himself these days, Lord knows why -- at this new-fangled Club Zoo place in Liverpool. Told me a touching little tale about how -- when he was recording that "Wilder" record -- some article came out in a mag all about how he's split from his wife Cathy and taken up with this 19-year old American, Dorian. Well, Dorian was all upset about this, 'til Paul and Linda McCartney (who were recording next door) came in and cheered her up. If you think that's bad. they said, look at all the horrible things that've been written about Linda. Liverpool heroes stick together and all that,eh? Some sticking together going on between the Fun Boy Three and those wailing sirens. Bananarama, too. "Purely professional". they tell me. The Funs have written some material for the Bans, and the Bans are featured singing on the Funs' next singte (out in Feb). Note the abbreviations, here. Really getting the hang of the Pop World these days.

And what about the Boomtown Rats then? Played at a very exclusive party at the Chelsea Arts Club (pretty posey) given by all the members of Pink Floyd. I was going to pop along but got dragged off to a bun-fight in honour of David from Dollar's birthday. Spent twenty minutes loafing about munching nuts before I realised he'd turned up. Talk about tiny! ! About four foot nothing. Used to be a hod-carrier for Lego. And his other half, Therese! Even smaller. Has to run around in the shower to get wet!

Let's take a trip to the seamy side of life. I feel duty-bound to inform you of this shameful fellow, Albert Goldman, who's penned a muck-raking book on Elvis Presley. All sorts of dreadful stories are within. General public love it though. Worldwide they're lapping it up. So much so that he's now been advanced one million quid for a similar smutty tome on John Lennon. Disgusting. Mind you, one million quid! If they're looking for more talented young gossip getters . . . (Get on with it -- Ed.). None of that sort of thing in The Tiswas Year Book". Out Row and designed by the fair felt-tips of our very own Steve Bush and David "Scoffer" Bostock. Just thought i'd mention it 'cos they've just given me a large sum of money).

Feel a great warmth towards Martin Fry of ABC. Just like yours truly, you see -- shy. Hope he has more luck than me with the "tender gender" sigh). Rang him up the other day to get his Personal File and his friend said he was too shy to come to the phone. No word of a lie. Ran off and hid in the loo he did. And he looks so tough on TOTP as well! Goggle-box addicts will be heartened to hear of a special Christmas edition of BBC's "Pop Quiz". Cliff. Rick Parfitt of Status Quo and David Grant of Linx are to be flung into battle of wits against Bee Gee Barry Gibb, Midge Ure and that fearful Paula Yates. I'II be glued to it while I'm writing my 'thank-you' letters. if I get any presents, that is. There's a new "Pop Quiz" series starting in April, too.

Must be off, anyway, Or, as we West-Enders say: PII split the scene and dig you
later...