Now then, now then...

This did the rounds of the Interweb in the autumn of 2000; the scamper of people rushing to deny the authenticity may have raised some alarm bells in the mind of the cynic, but some pranksters have 'fessed up and so, then, we must sadly conclude it to be a fake. Nevertheless, it's a well-put together fake, and since you can read it knowing that the incidents of child fumbling referred to never happened, and that Saville's personal hygiene is beyond reporach, we present the fabled HIGNFY out-take that never was. A classic of creative writing:

Out-take 2: 04'17
Following a discussion about Sun editor David Yelland's decision to publish
topless pictures of Sophie Rhys Jones:
SAVILLE
It's well out of order.

HISLOP
Indeed. And it's Mr Murdoch again.

SAVILLE
Yes. How would he like to see his, er, er, secret lover naked in someone
else's paper?

HISLOP
If anyone's got any pictures, do drop them...in...

MERTON
I've got some.

DEAYTON
Well, you'll have to share them with us next time, Paul...

MERTON
I will. It could be an entirely new game. Spot the rancid, pus-filled
cock...up the arse of some old tart. 'Whose Buboes Are They Anyway'?

DEAYTON
Are you calling Mr Yelland's personal hygiene into question?

MERTON
Not at all. I'm just saying he's a cunt. (Audience applauds) I'm saying
he's a cunt with a rancid pus-filled cock. Which is the title of new
six-part documentary series on Channel 5, apparently.

DEAYTON
We look forward to it.

MERTON
I don't. Stupid depressing old fucker. I hope he dies a painful death.
Seriously. Nothing would give me greater pleasure. No joke. (Smattering
of audience applause)

DEAYTON
But The Sun have apologised, of course...

Out-take 3: 09'36
During the headline round:
DEAYTON
You used to be a wrestler didn't you?

SAVILLE
I still am.

DEAYTON
Are you?

SAVILLE
I'm feared in every girls' school in the country. (Audience laugh)

DEAYTON Yeah, I've heard about that.

SAVILLE
What have you heard?

DEAYTON
I've...

MERTON
Something about a cunt with a rancid, pus-filled cock.

(Huge audience laugh; Awkward pause)

SAVILLE
I advise you to wash your mouth out, my friend...

MERTON
That's what she had to do! (Audience laughs)

HISLOP
Weren't you leaving money in phone boxes or something? (Saville glares
at
him) Or have I got completely the wrong end of the...

SAVILLE
(To Deayton, heavily) The question you asked was about wrestling.

DEAYTON
Yes. And then you mentioned girls' schools. I don't know whe...

SAVILLE
Well I understood this was a comedy programme. I realise now how wrong
I
was. (Audience laugh)

DEAYTON
So were you a professional wrestler?

SAVILLE
Yes I was.

DEAYTON
(To audience) Glad we got that cleared up. (Pulls face; audience
giggles)

HISLOP
Feared by every girls' school in the country...

SAVILLE
That's right.

MERTON
Due to having a rancid, pus-filled cock. (Huge audience laugh)

DEAYTON
Erm...

HISLOP
You're on top form tonight, Paul...

SAVILLE
(Strangely) I'm...this is not what I...

FLOOR MANAGER
(OOV) OK, do you...[inaudible section]...shall we, for pick-ups...

MERTON
I'm terribly sorry. I don't know what came over me.

SAVILLE
A pus-filled cock, I imagine. (Shocked audience laugh)

MERTON
Oh, it's nice to see you joining in. We'd been waiting for you, you
sad,
senile old shitter. (Audience appears to do double-take)

DEAYTON
I think we...d-d-you you want to apologise to our guest, Paul?

MERTON
Sorry, I do apologise. Sir senile old shitter, is what I meant to say.
(Audience laugh; pause) Sir senile old shitter...who fucks minors.
(Audience unrest)

HISLOP
Sorry, I'm just looking at our lawyer again. (Waves) Hello! (Audience
laughs)

DEAYTON
Shall we get back on course with this, or sha...

SAVILLE
I do fuck miners, that's quite correct. I have always done so. They can
do
the most wonderful things with cigars. The coal...

MERTON
What, they stick them up your senile, pus-filled arse? (Audience
laughs)

FLOOR MANAGER
(OOV): Come on...I'm getting an ear-bashing here. It's...

MERTON
Oh they want to continue. Sorry, I'll contain myself. Carry on...

DEAYTON
Right (Pause) You used to be a professional wrestler didn't you? (Huge
audience laugh)

SAVILLE
(Calmly) I did.]

DEAYTON
You didn't have a nickname or anything?

SAVILLE
Yes - 'Loser'. (Audience laughs)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
---------

Out-take 4: 21'20

Following a discussion about caravans:

DEAYTON
Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury caravan in Malta. [Asked by
the...

MERTON
I visited your caravan the other week, Jimmy.

SAVILLE
Did you really?

MERTON
Oh yes. Interesting what you can find, if you have a bit of a poke.
(Audience laugh)

HISLOP
He just told you, it was twelve years ago...

SAVILLE
No, I lived in it for twelve years.

MERTON
And fucked twelve year olds. (Audience laugh)

DEAYTON
Here we go again...I'll be backstage if anyone wants me.

MERTON
(Indicating Saville) That's what you said to the kids on your show,
wasn't
it? (Audience laugh)

SAVILLE
No, they never did want me.

HISLOP
Not even Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE
She was an exception.

DEAYTON
Who's Sarah Cornley?

SAVILLE
Sarah Cornley is...

HISLOP
About fifteen grand in damages, wasn't she? (Uncertain audience laugh)

SAVILLE
That's right.

HISLOP
So if I was going to mention that you threatened to break her arm if
she
said anything...

SAVILLE
You'd be very wrong. (Pause) I said I'd break both her arms. (Audience
unease)

MERTON
Fucking hell. I mean, you're just sitting there, all shell suit and
cigar,
wearing those fucking...I don't know what they are.

SAVILLE
Chrome-plated SC-700 sun-visors, these are. Sent to me by...

MERTON
We don't give a shit. Ladies and gentlemen, Sir James Saville OBE. Jim
has
fixed it for me to have my arms broken. Meet this depressing old fucked
up
cunt of a fucker on television who's riddled with cancer and fucking
pubic
lice.

HISLOP
(To lawyer again) Hello! (Audience laughs)

MERTON
Christ, I mean ha ha, big fucking joke - the fucking lawyers are
involved,
tee hee. It doesn't change anything.

DEAYTON
(Visibly out of character) Do you wanna stop, or...?

MERTON
No I don't fucking want to stop. It's all shit! You'll expect a comedy
walkout in a minute, won't you? I mean, big bloody joke - I'm going to
quote Shakespeare in a minute, how fucking out of character. And Ian
knows
about football - oh my fucking sides.

SAVILLE
You've never fucked anyone in your life, boy.

MERTON
Oh fuck off...

FLOOR MANAGER
(OOV) ...About five minutes, just to... (Phil Davey enters)

PHIL DAVEY
OK, well top that as they say. You're looking troubled by that, aren't
you
mate? I tell you, I came back from Amsterdam recently...

[RECORDING PLACED ON STAND-BY; CUTS BACK TO CLOSE-UP OF DEAYTON
AWAITING
HIS CUE]

DEAYTON
OK. Second time lucky. (Pause) Last month, Roger Moore sold his luxury
caravan in Malta.] Asked by the New York Times about his relaxed acting
style...